zig_zag123: (Out of the Way)
Today isn't such a good day. Started off bad last night. I've been sleeping more than I think is healthy, and it's been making me a little nervous. So last night I decided I'd try going to bed early and forcing myself up early. That was the plan until my back pain came back with a vengeance last night. I have a small curve in my spine and while normally the pain is annoying, but manageable, last night and this morning it was not. I was up every thirty to forty minutes to toss and turn for awhile before trying to fall back to sleep.

It didn't really help that I kept having dreams last night. Some where good, while others left me feeling confused and unsettled. Like people asking me questions I couldn't understand. Not knowing if I was awake or asleep. Not knowing where I was. I had one that woke me up in terror, utterly sure I was falling out of bed. That one left me clutching at my bed for awhile, trying to convince my over active brain that I was NOT falling out of bed.

Needless to say, I didn't get much sleep. So when I woke up at 9am - the latest I wanted to sleep to, I said fuck it and rolled back over.

When I finally did get myself out of bed and checked my emails I saw that a job I applied to yesterday left an email asking me to call. So call I did and was finding myself in a phone interview. At first I felt like I was doing pretty good, then it all went south. He asked me to rate how well i know FCP on a scale of 1-10. I've been told that I belittle myself too much. So I was thinking a 5.5 but said 7. Then he started to ask me about the integral workings of FCP and I totally boomed that. Then he started to ask me about my low GPA. Then of course I sound like I'm getting defensive when I say it had nothing to do with my communication courses, that I just didn't do well in science. I had to take those courses. He said he had more people to talk to and he'd get back to me.

It's what I wanted. I wanted a job, but now I'm sitting here wishing I don't get this job. Granted, it's just an internship. It's not a REAL job, not what I really wanted, but it would make me feel less useless around here. Yet here I am, scared to death to get what I've been trying for. It leaves me wondering if I can really do this. Or maybe I've just wasted my life trying to do something I can never succeeded in when I'm just so... mediocre.
zig_zag123: (Sonic tounge)
Just a silly dream. )
zig_zag123: (Oro?)
Whoa...

Just... whoa.

My life right now. I've been so busy lately. Also my sister is in the city now. Staying the night at a friend's house tonight, but we're meeting up tomorrow and I think she's staying the week with me. I don't know, she keeps changing her mind. Either way - blah, not going to be around. Also, my sister's first time in the city so any suggestions on what to show her would be awesome.

I also have to move apartments sometime soonish. Ugh.

*stares at awesome Luceti events* meaheraaaaaaaaaah... why do awesome ones that require thought come at SUCH a bad time for me thinking clearly. harieahreareanare I want to devour all that delcious AU talk, but I'm just so wiped mentally right now that I... just... can't... focus.

Speaking of Luceti right now and I'm going to add an extra whoa to my total. Holy crap guys. I got curious at work because I heard that rpanon thing got crazy and took a peek. Wow. Reminds me why I never go onto that thing. Are people really upset over all of this? While I think the AC rule changes are fair and a good idea, people are allowed to drop if they don't feel comfortable anymore. Yes, it wasn't good that one made mention to the entire playerbase with her's but... can't we just look the other way? Anon's man. They're MEAN. I feel that they should have given the new rule and Mod's a chance with this, but if they felt dropping was for the best, then that's what was best for them. I wouldn't want them to play if they weren't having fun anymore!

And now I will take my own advice and move on. Just it was... whoa. I don't know if things usually get that blown up on the anon thing, but just... whoa. I wasn't expecting something like THAT.

Anyway today wasn't so bad. Got let out an hour early from work. Me and two others I intern with couldn't decide if she was just sick of us or that she had something she wanted to do alone. We didn't care, we were out of there. As I was getting close to having a mental break down going over old files and trying to match photos to facebook so I could properly lable them for her.

We went to Starbucks and had a good time just hanging out together and ranting about our jobs. We've come to the conclusion that I'm currently her favorite intern. All thanks to HTML I learned thanks to rping so much on LJ. Ha! Also I know the basics of Power Point so she thinks I'm a god of Power Point. We're all in agreement that this favorite status will soon crumble when she figures out I don't REALLY know what I'm doing besides making things look colorful.

Walked a coworker to her bus then hopped onto the train to meet Autumn at the corner store. Where we bought chips and soda as we had a movie night planned. After making a quick trip back to my place to look over movies and to pick a few out when then went one block over to her new apartment to make spagetti and look through her roommates movies.

We ended up finding City of Lost Childern. We ended up watching it and I actually love it. I think it was great! It was so funny and the camera angles and settings were so interesting!

Anyway, need sleep because I've nearly passed out several times typing it up. That's the other issue I've gotten going. I can't stay asleep anymore. I've been waking up close to what feels like (it's hard to keep count sometimes) five to eight times a night. So, better get to bed. I'm sure Casey can't wait to see the city tomorrow.
zig_zag123: (Crap...)
...anyone has any home rememidies for sleeping through the night? I'm growing tiried of waking up feeling really sick in the morning. I'm pretty sure it's from waking up nearly every hour of the night.

I dream of stressful things and wake up confused over where I am and what I'm doing in bed when I should be doing whatever it was I was doing in the dream. Then after a few minutes I realize I'm in bed in NYC and it was only a dream and wait for my body to catch up with my mind, relax, and go back to sleep.

Or I hear a noise that wakes me up.

I'm guessing the only hope I REALLY have is sleeping pills which I'm not about to take. I'm sure with time this will work itself out. More so when I get less stuff to stress me out like a second job (or actually... that one might stress me out MORE) and figure out where I'm going to move to in about 12 days.

I miss sleeping and dreaming my epic dreams.
zig_zag123: (Crap...)
GO TO BED EALIER!

So when you have night like last night where you can't tell dream from reality and when your alarm goes off you spend five minutes flopping around in a panic because you don't know where you are or WHO YOU ARE you won't be so damn tired you feel ill.

No love,

The sensiable side of your brain who was screaming at you at ten last night that you needed to stop tagging and go to bed. The war would be there tomorrow, yet you chose to ignore for two more hours.
zig_zag123: (Lupin)
Wow... how long has it been since I've seen Super Market Sweep? A really, really long time, but it use to be one of my favorite game shows. I would always say that when I got older I'd go on that show and I'd do GREAT! I had trouble trying to figure out who would be my partner. Mom I'd feel would get the first round questions right - but dad was a faster runner.

Anyway - I had a dream last night that I was on the show at long last and I was winning! I found the right can for the blue light specail right away and was just rushing through the isles throwing stuff into my cart. Making sure I didn't take more than five. The other competors didn't get it. They were only picking out the things they really wanted or needed. One just kinda went: Why are you getting FIVE turkeys!? I didn't answer - I didn't want her to know how to win!

I remember I almost tipped over my full shopping cart once. I had to put rings on items for some reason. I remember thinking about trying to get coffee - but there was no time! The last items I was grabbing were some Red Barons frozen pizzas because they were NAME BRAND! The other people lost because they didn't know how to play. Like most had grabbed toys from some where and they weren't suppose to grab those things. This was about groceries! So I won! YAY!

The rest of the night really didn't go so well. I kept waking up. It was one of those nights where I kept waking up and falling out of sleep so much that I didn't know what was what for the longest time. Poor kitty - usually I don't move at all during the night, but I was so restless last night that I kept squirming little by little. Eventually I fully woke up when I felt her slowly slide off me and land next to me with a soft: Merw? Had to help her get up. Oooh kitty.

I don't know why - I remember a lot of it was trying to run a raid on WoW (haha, wonder why. Wasn't like last night was our guild's raid not or anything - WHICH IT WAS!), I kept waking up between attacks, trying to put new armor on, get Vent to work, or just figure out why my action bars weren't working.
zig_zag123: (Sleepy puppies)

I've been sleeping a lot lately. A lot of it because I feel the need to spite the people trying to wake me up. Usually the cat. Yesterday she made a horrible meowing noise early in the morning at my mom to be fed. I thought she was making a horrible dying sound and jumped out of bed to check on her. No, she was just being weird.

So I went to try to go back to sleep. It took awhile because I was all gittery, but just as I was falling asleep. The dog woke me and wanted to go outside. She wouldn't go out for me. No, I had to do it! Let her out and back in. Then answered some emails and such and decided - I'd take a nap!

That didn't work. Just about to fall asleep when dad woke up and came out and BLECHED loudly while opening my door and then speaking at the top of his lungs to the dog sleeping by my bed: WHERE'S YOUR MOMMA?! HUH?! DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOUR MOMMA!? DID SHE LEAVE!? I sat up and stared at him. OH! YOU WERE SLEEPING!? I didn't know you were still sleeping. I'll be quiet now.

Only quiet was forgetting I'm an extreme light sleeper. Which part of me likes, because it's hard to sneak up on me when I'm alseep. Not so much when trying to sleep at home when dad is awake. Every so often (and I swear he has some kind of radar the new exactly when I was about to pass out or had only just fallen asleep) he'd shout, scream, and scream!sing - many of the times right next to my door. So when I had first laid down I had set my alram to go off in an hour and thirty minutes. Fifteen minutes to fall asleep and an hour to get good sleep. Yeah. I turned that off. I tried for four hours to sleep - even mentioning again to dad that I COULD HEAR HIM PERFECTLY! I had thought about giving up, but NO! I WANTED TO WIN. I think in the end I got MAYBE an hour - hour and a half of sleep all together. Which was no really restful at all.

Then this morning my cat woke me up at 6am. When I had only gone ot bed at 3am. I tried to ignore her for an hour before she gave up on purring at me softly and started to wail at my door. So I got up and fed her and mom said that she'd take care of her of her for me. So I went back to bed, only not to sleep. The cat was driving my mom nuts. In about four months my cat will be 21 years old. We're thinking... she's finally lost her brains. Because she asks for food and then doesn't eat it - but will ask for it again in a few minutes. This morning, she followed mom to the bathroom across my room and kept wailing. So I couldn't sleep.

She eventually gave up and I could. Only to be woken up by the phone. Someone looking for mom who had just left. I could have gotten up at that point but I was all: NO! I'm getting up on MY terms! And rolled over. Just.... to be attacked by the cat - who was being followed by my dad shouting at her: NO! LOOK! I HAVE FOOD! DON'T BOTHER YOUR MOTHER! COME BACK HERE!

Yeah. That didn't help and next thing I knew I had a cat sitting on me. I ignored her and eventually did fall asleep and finally - just woke up because I WOKE UP! Yeah... it's petty, I know. BUT IT"S MY SLEEP!
 


zig_zag123: (Sleepy puppies)
Yes, think your dirty thoughts about my subject. That's the point! Indulge. But last night was amazing. I laid down fell just about instantly asleep and slept the entire night until my alarm woke me up. Which is weird. I pretty much always wake up a few minutes before it goes off. In fact it took me a bit to turn it off because in the dream it was just this annoying noise that wouldn't go away.

And I slept deep. No dreams that left me feeling stressed out and jittery. Just the good ol' fashion kind. I don't really remember them much right now, but I know one took place at the house.

Work went pretty good today, with only five days left we've gotten a bit lazy and I've been so utterly drained I haven't cared. To waste a bit of time we went to check on the geocache in our little park. There had been a family in earlier too look for it and it was their first geocache they had told and they seemed to have trouble finding it and had to keep coming back to us to ask for hints. So we wanted to go down and see if they had added a new name to the log that's in it.

We were shocked to find the cache missing. We're not sure if they took it not realizing how geocaching works (in that you take an item from it and leave an item; not take the whole thing.) or if they couldn't find it because someone had taken it before them. It was rather sad.

So to waste MORE time we went to the toll booth and took a tylonal bottle and made a new cache. Even put a couple of the lost and found items that have been in a drawer for years in it. XD Like a women's watch. We wrote: For Geocaching. Do not steal on it, but of course that will probably just want to make people want to steal it more.

But it was fun to make!
zig_zag123: (Crap...)
That when I begin to nod off in front of the computer that I really should get off and go to bed. Saves me from rather embarrasing moments.

Like having your death knight on auto run and waking up to find he had run into a group of monsters and then ran himself off a cliff. At least the party could handle those monesters if I remembered right. *cough*

Or you know. Falling asleep in a skype, muting the sound and mike for a moment to watch a video, falling asleep during that said video, disconnecting and then skype making a noise that my sleeping brain heard as an alarm clock and so I just hit buttons until it went away, which then triggered the skype to come back - sound still muted but the mike back on. Oh - and of course that video is still going. Start to fall halfway back to sleep when a bunch of aol messages start popping up. Opps.

It also probably doesn't help that I type on my computer while sitting on my bed as my desk is still covered with school stuff that I don't really know what to do with. It makes it just so easy to just lay down... and... *snore*
zig_zag123: (What?)
So yeah. Wanted to post some pictures but got busy and just haven't had time to. Started my summer job at the state parks three days ago. It's been great to see Sarah again. But the first day all I did was weedwack and was pretty much dead afterwards. Autumn came over and we hung out and watched some Deadlest Catch until I has to go pass out.

Then the next day was more weedwacking and tree pruning so they wouldn't be attacking people's RVs. Oh - and lifting heavy ass logs that were chopped down earlier. My arms were so very dead afterwards. Oh so dead I could hardly lift my car keys at the end of the day. Came home then rushed back up to the city with Autumn because I needed things. Got groceries, a new pair of headphones, food for my dad, and I also bought new headphones. We also hit Borders first as we had coupons. We walked in and the worker at the counter laughed and said: either I play too much Zelda or that socority plays too much because that shirt looks so much like a triforce. XD Which it was! I explained the APO is actually a fraturnity being co-ed and then we got talking about books. He totally talked Autumn into getting a batman comic. He was super nice and it's so refreshing to find other geeks in the area. We're so few and far between.

After all that running around I went to dinner with mom at a place called Roxy's which is a 100 year old resturant/bar/hotel that is being closed soon for renavations and isn't going to be open for a long time. Mom and I went because we've never been. It was a really nice place and I loved my veal. Mom told me we use to have veal all the time when we lived in the tralier and that's probably why I love it so much.

And then today was a full day of cleaning bathrooms. Which means a rain of dead bugs and spiders raining down on my head. Gross but my body didn't hurt as bad. Was so tired when I got home that I just passed out. Ugh. After three days of nothing but non-stop manual labor and then rushing and hanging out I'm mentally and emotionally wipped out. So ready for bed. *passes out*
zig_zag123: (Sonic tounge)
So I’m not allowed to sleep. That was the theme of today. After talking to mom and taking the weather into consideration we decided to leave at 5:30am instead of 5am. Score. Extra sleep. So I climbed into bed around 9:30 with an alarm set for 4:44am. Yeah, I was being silly so sue me.

Except… to bad I didn’t get to sleep until the clock chimed sometime after ten thirty. Only to be woken up by the dog at 1am. She had to go outside. WTF dog, you always do that at 6am. In fact I went to bed thinking: Great~! I’ll be up to let the dog up this morning and she won’t wake me. Nope. So got up let her out and fed the cat. Eventually got the dog in and flopped back into bed.

But I just could not sleep. At all. I tried and tried but the last thing I remembered was hearing the clock chime 2:30am in the living room. And then Autumn ended up texting me just after 4am to wish mom a happy mothers day! Totally not Autumn’s fault. I had said I was going to be up by 4am, just things had changed, but mom really appreciated the well wishes.

A day of money spending and no sleep )

I go pass out now. *thunk*

Got sleep

Mar. 7th, 2010 11:56 am
zig_zag123: (Teamwork)
So finally got to sleep last night. Played around the internet until the feeling was pretty much gone and I was left with just the feeling of being stupid for stressing over nothing. Snuggled into bed, got comfy, said my prayers, and tried to fall asleep. Usually before falling asleep I daydream out stories - although majority of the time these days it's been what I can do with Vash in the RP I'm in. Last night I thought about different things. Like that the cat's refil on her meds is in. When would be the best time to pick it up. Groceries we need. What hours I worked and at some point I realized I was hyper ventalating. I wasn't feeling stressed anymore so I wouldn't call it a panic attack and I wasn't even feeling tense - just couldn't breath without gasping - paniced breaths.

It took me a bit to get it undercontrol. I focused on everything I was feeling. The weight on the blankets on me, the matteris as moved up and down with my heaving chest, the air coming in and out as it went over my lips, the pillow pressed into my face, and just everything.  Eventually I got my breathing back to normal and felt calm again. So very calm that I decided to keep it up and did a little metation techinque that Master Groff had us do before Taekwondo pratice. Finally fell asleep.

And this morning I woke up feeling no anxity - but that could be because I had woken up EARLIER just annoyed that the dog needed to go outside and then refused to come in. Either way, I'm doing better. Those feelings all gone and I hope that it's not coming back.

Although had some weird dreams. That I was playing a WoW like game and was getting really annoyed at it because I couldn't get past one part - first few times was because I made some noob mistakes. Then I got the hang of it, but for some reason I still couldn't get past. Somethng kept setting my avatar on fire and then he'd run off a cliff.

And the other - I was a bird? I dunno - but the flying was cool. Then a lot of people kept trying to catch me because I was some kind of rare bird but I kept flying circles around them and had fun making them run into trees and stuff. XD Lots of fun.
zig_zag123: (Kenshin Smile)
This morning was both really fucking awesome and a bit depressing at the same time.

Woke up at some point in the morning and rolled over to go back to sleep. The cat made a little protest of: omg... feed me - but not her usual obnioxious rub her face all over any exposed part of my body not protected by blankets. (Damn her noise is cold) Which usually means my face. WALKING all over me. Pawing at my head and then finally SITTING on my head as a final attack.

Nope. This morning she meowed a couple times, butted her head against my shoulder once then shut up. I was able to fall back to sleep right away. The dog didn't wake me up at the crack of dawn to go to the bathroom either. So I was shocked when I finally opened my eyes and put my glasses on that the time was a few minutes to 11. Wow. I haven't slept past 9:00 in awhile. I've laid in bed attempting to go back to sleep before but never managed it. It was refreshing to know for once I didn't totally screw myself over by staying up until 2am and then being woken up by 8am. I can manage on six hours of sleep - but I perfer eight when I can get it. Actually I perfer 12 XD I'll admit it. I love my bed. I love hiding under the blankets and snuggled in with the cat snoring softly next to my head. It's just so peaceful and my favorite place to day dream.

But as soon as I twitched the cat was up and crying out loudly for food. I can't believe she didn't wake me earlier really. I felt guilty so instead of toying with the idea of rolling over and going back to bed I fed her. XD

Then dad made me breakfast in bed. ;_; D'aw. French toast. My favorite breakfast food. Not that he knew that - just we had more eggs than milk for pancakes. He came in saying it's my day off. I should relax and enjoy doing nothing today. ;_; D'aw! So sweet! As annoying as my dad is at times he has a very sweet side to him. Very sugary sweet.

But alas - I have wasted hours of my dad away already adn I really should try to be productive. There are really only two MAJOR things standing in my way of me moving on with my life and getting my butt to Australia. Finding a job and place to live down there and getting my room cleaned and more of my stuff sold/given away.

I don't know why but I suddenly find myself unmotivated to do either. Cleaning my room just because a life of pack-ratery makes it so I have way too much damn stuff to want to go through. As for finding a job I start to look and then - I dunno - panic? Something. It's just easier to not get into it. There are other things I'm still not sure I'm ready to let go of. Like my cat.

I understand the very real fact that once I leave home I won't see her ever again. She's old. She is sick - even though she doesn't tend to act it. And she needs me. Mom and dad are pretty good with her - but I'm her comfort. I'm her everything. Mom and dad are good with her, but they don't love her like I do. They don't pay as good attention to her. They also don't have the time to be with her like I do. I know I left her for college - but I also know she mopped around when I left and that was before she started to get sick. With every month that passes I can't believe how close she's getting to her 20th birthday.

Which - holy shit. Means our birthdays are only two months away now. I'm going to be a 24 year old who is still living with her parents. When I was a kid I said I wouldn't be that type of person. I was going to be an amazing magication by now. XD Funny how things turn out. I wish taking that next big step wasn't so hard or so big. I love my parents. I know dad doesn't want me to leave so far away - knowing he won't see me again for a good long time when I do. Mom doesn't really want me to leave either but she also wants me to chase after my dreams and is telling me to go. It will be alright and they'll be there to catch me if I fall. She never chased her dreams and settled and she regerts it everyday so she is really pushing me to run and not be afraid to fall.

So many questions. So many that I can't answer. So much I'll miss. So much happiness and heartache to come. This is what makes life worth living isn't it? So I really should stop stalling shouldn't I?

Autumn - we totally need to make a plan for me to come visit you. Do you know when you have a three day weekend coming up? Also I'll be scanning that picture now.

Am home!

Jul. 17th, 2009 07:54 pm
zig_zag123: (Breaking Benjamin)
I'm home! Made it safely back. Had a great time. But for now.... need sleep. Lots of sleep. Sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep.

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