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[personal profile] zig_zag123
*dusts off my poor misused journal* I need to figure out a way to set more time aside for this. During the weekdays I do pretty much just wake up, shower, eat, answer tags, go to work, work, come home, and sleep. So there's not really a lot of time for making journal entries, but god, I really should have been better about it this weekend. I wasn't busy at all, just lazy and slept/read most of the weekend away.

So a brief update on random things in my life first. So yesterday I pretty much slept, finished reading the book Mossflower, cuddled with the kitty, watched Legend of Korra (which by the way I feel is a bit too rushed in just about everything so I'm enjoying it, but not LOVING it.) and went to church.

First awkward thing that happened was the Bishop stopped to talk to me as he was leaving the church. He asked me if I was finally comfortable in the congregation yet. That he was really hoping to see me more often in activities outside the church. Derp. How do you tell a BISHOP that you're actually a horrible catholic? That I believe in gay marriage and I support Pro-Choice and I pretty much only go to church because I believe there's gotta be SOMETHING out there and I want to take an hour or two out of my week to give thanks for what I have and want nothing more to do with the church than that? The answer? YOU DON'T OF COURSE! You laugh shyly and say maybe you will!

By the way, if you meant more comfortable with the congregation because I am the only white person there? The answer is - I only feel like an oddball when you single me out. I sing along! I go around and shake hands and even hug people when they go in for the hug! I just don't feel like going to bible classes and spiritual trips okay!?

@.@ But yeah. So feeling awkward I just wanted to run away at that point. (Shy ZZ is super shy) I was all ready to flee when I saw a small baby bird sitting outside by the stairs. At first I smiled finding it cute, then horrified as the man ahead of me KICKED it. So apparently it couldn't fly yet. I quickly pushed my way ahead as no one else seemed to notice the poor thing and scooped it up right before another guy stepped on it. Of course me bending over in a mess of people and telling someone to WAIT! put a whole bunch of attention on me, but at least they finally noticed the poor thing.

It cheeped angrily at me as I moved it a foot away up against a pillar where people weren't going to walk on it. Happy it was safe I went to the store to pick up some milk, but I couldn't stop thinking about the little bird. As I had also seen a torn wing of an adult bird right next to it. What if it didn't have anyone to watch out for it now? I just had to let nature take it's course I kept telling myself. It's how nature is, but it kept nagging at me that it didn't look like it was more than week or maybe even just a day from being ready to fly! If I could just bring it home and put in a box outside my house, where there's a fence then at least wandering dogs wouldn't get at it. But what then? This wasn't like being home at my parent's. Where I know of several abandoned robin's nests I could put it in and great spots to dig up fat worms to feed it. What was I suppose to feed it? Crickets from the store. And if it rained? It wasn't suppose to rain this week.

It just kept eating at my mind. So I went back to the church and found that it had moved away a little bit from where I had placed it. I stood for over an hour watching it. Hoping a parent would come back. As I know that sometimes if the babies fall out of the nests the parents will still come by to feed them. I wouldn't be doing this little bird any favors if that was the case.

In the end I did see one bird start to approach the baby, but nothing more than a brief hop near it. After a quick check at the dead bird's wing and figuring it was too big to be the same type of bird the baby was I decided to leave it where it was. It was fairly safe in the little corner it was in. Sometimes you just gotta let nature be. When I went to check on it again this morning it was gone. So I'm telling myself it flew away and I do hope that's what happened.

And the other big issue in my life is mom. She's having a few set backs in her battle with her hoarding tendencies so I've decided that during my job's hiatus from mid July to first week of September I'll be headed home for about a month. This I keep telling myself in my mind is not going to be a pleasure trip. It's basically suppose to be a boot camp from my mom. Recently the woman she watched over for a living passed away. It's just made her hoarding worse, as she's home all the time now to face the truth of what she is. She's becoming more and more depressed. I can hear it in the way her phone calls to me have been going. Also in the things Autumn and dad tell me.

It really needs to be me that goes home and helps her over this hurdle in her life. Autumn, god love her, basically an adopted daughter, but still not "family" so she can't put her foot down like someone who has lived in the house all their life. Dad - ugh... dad. No, he's an idiot who would just put mom down not realizing that this is a sickness that like his addiction to gambling she can't really control herself. He just makes things worse. Then Casey is too lazy to want to help with any real cleaning. Even if she was to help she's in Ohio now. Too far away.

I've just got some good touch for some reason with helping mom. It's not perfect as I don't win as many battles as I'd like, but it's more than other members of our family can do. I think it's because I had my own battle with hoarding some time ago. It's not something I think I'd ever get over, but I'm doing better. So yeah, For most of August I won't be around as I want little distractions as I help my mom through this. As my original plan had been to take on some small jobs and earn extra income. Instead now I'm going to work to help mom.
To do this I'm still debating kidnapping Vash for the entire month. Debating. Other years I would have said GOD YES, but I think people are getting bored of him. I can't keep activity like I use to. Not to say I'm not getting any, but threads I've noticed get dropped a whole lot sooner or just outright ignored a whole lot and growing more and more this past year. So he just might not have enough activity anyway to worry about having to mallynap him. I'll see as the summer really starts to kick in.

I've also been wanting to app in an OC to Luceti, but now with these issues with mom brought to my attention I've been doubting if this is a good time or if I should wait until Sept now. As even though I've been mentally preparing myself for the fact that she probably won't get a single tag in her first post I know it's going to be a crushing blow if it really happens. Right now I really need to be strong for my mom, not be mentally broken down by having my OC seem ignored and rejected. I guess that mostly depends thought if I somehow manage to find time to finish her app anyway.

Ugh, I didn't mean for this to get ranty, but since I'm here I guess I'll talk about my feelings about RP lately. I just feel horribly ignored lately to the point where I seriously wonder if anymore than two people would notice if I deleted my plurk and idled out before the AC came around and someone goes: oh yeah, goldenglasses, that Vash guy, right? Yeah. I haven't seen him around lately. Oh well.

Maybe I'm just not tagging the right people or something. It's just for a whole year now I haven't been able to have fun with hardly any event or draft. Either no one responds to the tags I make to the planning posts or if I get someone to answer me back and we make plans they always seem to fall through. It just sucks and makes me wonder what I'm doing wrong all the time. I use to get so many different plots and things going I could hardly manage them all. I wish I could figure out how to get that back again. I admit I've been failing lately at trying because after months of going: Hey! You wanna do this!? And it all falling flat even with a lot of effort but in it just gets super discouraging.

So maybe I should take Vash out of Luceti for a full month. Maybe then I'll have some place to start fresh again. At this point I just really don't know how to fix this issue. Giving people a chance to come to me hasn't work. Reaching out to new people I haven't tagged and old hasn't worked too well. So to borrow a childish word from my father I guess I'm just "stimmied." (Aka stumped.)


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July 2015

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