Mar. 9th, 2012

zig_zag123: (Out of the Way)
Today isn't such a good day. Started off bad last night. I've been sleeping more than I think is healthy, and it's been making me a little nervous. So last night I decided I'd try going to bed early and forcing myself up early. That was the plan until my back pain came back with a vengeance last night. I have a small curve in my spine and while normally the pain is annoying, but manageable, last night and this morning it was not. I was up every thirty to forty minutes to toss and turn for awhile before trying to fall back to sleep.

It didn't really help that I kept having dreams last night. Some where good, while others left me feeling confused and unsettled. Like people asking me questions I couldn't understand. Not knowing if I was awake or asleep. Not knowing where I was. I had one that woke me up in terror, utterly sure I was falling out of bed. That one left me clutching at my bed for awhile, trying to convince my over active brain that I was NOT falling out of bed.

Needless to say, I didn't get much sleep. So when I woke up at 9am - the latest I wanted to sleep to, I said fuck it and rolled back over.

When I finally did get myself out of bed and checked my emails I saw that a job I applied to yesterday left an email asking me to call. So call I did and was finding myself in a phone interview. At first I felt like I was doing pretty good, then it all went south. He asked me to rate how well i know FCP on a scale of 1-10. I've been told that I belittle myself too much. So I was thinking a 5.5 but said 7. Then he started to ask me about the integral workings of FCP and I totally boomed that. Then he started to ask me about my low GPA. Then of course I sound like I'm getting defensive when I say it had nothing to do with my communication courses, that I just didn't do well in science. I had to take those courses. He said he had more people to talk to and he'd get back to me.

It's what I wanted. I wanted a job, but now I'm sitting here wishing I don't get this job. Granted, it's just an internship. It's not a REAL job, not what I really wanted, but it would make me feel less useless around here. Yet here I am, scared to death to get what I've been trying for. It leaves me wondering if I can really do this. Or maybe I've just wasted my life trying to do something I can never succeeded in when I'm just so... mediocre.

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zig_zag123

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